College and a vampire
by Vampire Priest
Summary: Tsukune, Moka, and the rest of the gang go to college with the most unusual rules and most frightening teachers.
1. Monday weird rules

Monday weird rules

Our story begins with Tsukune Aono walking down the halls beside Moka while Kurumu, Yukari and Mizore following close behind.

Tsukune: (to the girls) so apparently to save money, the college requires professors to allow students to live in their place for the time they spend in college for half the price of a dorm.

Moka: which professor did you ask to let you live with him?

Kurumu: or Her.

Tsukune: I can't pronounce his name. He translated his name from Spanish to English and told me to just call him Professor Castle.

Yukari: so why did it take so long to find a teacher who would let us all stay at his house?

Tsukune: I just found a teacher who was a monster. I'm sure he'll let us stay.

Mizore: where are we going? Shouldn't we be heading to his house? Why are we still walking down the halls?

Tsukune: he said his house was so far away that he might as well take us there, instead of us going our own way.

Moka: where does he live?

Tsukune: (stopping by an open door) well, now that we're here, you can ask him yourself.

They entered the room and saw a man dressed in a tuxedo, wings sticking out as obvious as a party girl at a meeting of Catholic priests, with a top hat with a big silver cross, taller than him, in one hand, and a black coffin, with the words: "Ask of me and I shall give thee the heathen for thyn inheritance and for thy possession the ends of the earth. Tho shall break them with a rod of iron. Tho shall dash them in pieces like a potter's vessel. Be wise now therefore ye kings be admonished. Ye judges of the earth serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling. Kiss the son lest he be angry and you paerish from the way tho his wrath is kindled but a little." Inscribed upon it, though they could only see the "Psalms 2:8-12" at this distance. He saw those who had entered his classroomclass room through a reflective pair of shades.

Professor C.: hey, Tsukune, so are these are the friends you spoke so highly of?

Tsukune: yeah.

Moka: so where do you live?

Professor C.: San Diego

Everyone was confused about how he could work in Japan but live so far away

Professor C.: what's wrong? (talking off his reflective shades) is there something in my teeth? (using them as a mirror)

Moka: those eyes! Are you a Vampire too?

Professor C.: yeah, but I'm not from this dimension. So the rules are a little different from what you're used to.

Yukari: what dimension do you come from?

Professor C.: (hands over an illustrated book with the word C-L.I.N. on the cover with an imagine of a wolf's head on a man's body wearing a suit similar if not identical to his) the dog on the front is my subordinate, and since your entire universe is no more than a means of entertainment to mine. I thought I could give you the opportunity to see mine in the same way we see yours.

Kurumu: so you're saying we're on TV!

Professor C.: yes, I am saying you're on TV in a universe where none of the people you know, or ever will know, live.

Kurumu: what about you?

Professor C.: what about me?

Kurumu: you live there and we'll have plenty of time to become friends

Professor C.: I don't live there, I just come from there, and every now and then I find a reason to go back. Since Orientation day is over, you all want to see where I live for the time being?

Mizore: how are we going to get there before night fall?

Professor C.: (to Mizore) good question (then to everyone in the room at the moment) everyone grab onto something or someone you like.

Tsukune: (to Professor Castle) why!

Everyone grabbed Tsukune, Moka on his right arm, Yukari on his right leg, Kurumu on his left arm, Mizore on his left leg, and the professor put his cross on his left shoulder and held it with the coffin in his left hand before putting his right hand on Tsukune's head and turning the ground to mush.

Professor C.: (as they fell through) just to let you know, I live in a church. (When they arrived) We're here.

Yukari: gee thanks Captain Obvious.

Tsukune: what kind of teacher lives in a church?

Professor C.: (points to the degree on the wall) Doctorate in ministry.

Moka: our school teaches ministry?

Professor C.: yes.

Tsukune: I'm sorry, if my grades weren't so average you girls wouldn't have followed me here.

Professor C.: (standing at the old mahogany doors) I love this city.

Yukari: (looking through the open window) I thought you lived in San Diego. (watches as pink pedals dance through the air ) I don't think these trees are indigenous to this city.

Professor C.: they're not, I just like 'em, so that's why I planted them.

Everyone marvelled at the light cast through the stained glass windows on the ivory floor, the dark oak walls, the gold stairs and silver rails. The professor walked up to the podium and took his hard cover bible, from the podium, that had silver edges and golden pages, and walked up the stairs to the right of the podium and called down to the from about halfway up.

Professor C: there's a big ass bed downstairs. If you need me, bring coffee and creamer... (he took three steps forward and said) and sugar.


	2. Tuesday the drunk professor

Tuesday the drunk professor

Tsukune woke up surprised. He hadn't expected to wake up in bed with four girls in the nude when he had went to bed alone the night before, he remembered last night well.

FLASHBACK

Tsukune: why are all of you working so hard? We have the same classes. Why did you get more homework?

Moka: it's not homework.

Tsukune: then what?

Kurumu: it's a surprise.

Tsukune: ok then…

END OF FLASHBACK

Suddenly the door flew open, and bright light flooded the room and in came a drunk slurring waddling Professor.

Professor C: (waking everyone else up with his drunken shouts) what are you doing in bed? School starts in… hic… three hours!

Tsukune: well I can't get out of bed because-.

Professor C: oh there's a fine excuse! (burp) Just you wait until I'm sober then we'll see who's… (he vomits and passed out landing face first onto his disgusting mixture of stomach acid and wine)

Moka: what's going on Tsukune?

Tsukune: (having seen the situation for what it was for the first time) I should be asking you why you let Kurumu and Mizore into this bed naked!?

Moka: (rubbing her eyes and looking down) what? (Sees Mizore and Kurumu) W-what are you two doing? What if the professor found out you were naked in his bed?

Mizore: you mean that drunk laying in a puddle of vomit?

Kurumu: Who needs clothes anyway it's not like anything happened.

A coffin in the corner of the room opened.

Kitty: would you keep it down! I'm trying to sleep.

Professor C: (having just woken up from his drunken nap and somewhat sobered up) morning beautiful. Is breakfast happening?

Kitty: make your own damn breakfast!

Professor C: what? I'm too drunk to cook! My head is too flammable, I'll light on fire... again...

Kitty: not my problem.

Professor C: Aw man! Wait... guys... Do any of you know how to cook!

Kurumu: (sigh) yes.

Professor C: hooray! (upon raising his arms in celebration he fell back into his puddle)

Two hours until school starts

Moka: do you guys think it's weird that he doesn't have any knives in the kitchen?

Mizore: what does it matter? I make knives with ice

Yukari: that may work for you but what about us?

Mizore: ask the Professor.

Kurumu: why can't you just make extra knives for us?

Mizore: just ask him.

Moka: didn't he say to bring coffee?

Yukari: and creamer and sugar, we know what he said.

Kurumu: let's just go, it'd be better than to chat here all day.

Moka: alright then let's go- AHHHH! (Professor C had been standing there the whole time) Oh, excuse me, P-Professor. Y-you don't have any knives in the kitchen?

Professor C: I only have one but you're going to have to share. (he stumbled about as he tried to remove the sword from his clothes after a few minutes of yanking and fighting to keep his balance he falls on his back holding his sword triumphantly in the air) Here you go. You might want to wash whatever blood might still be on it.

Kurumu: (drew the sword from the strange Dragon design that once held it to his clothes she looked in horror at the crimson blade and handed the Dragon head handle of the sword to Moka) you take this disgusting thing! I can't stand to look at it! And the smell (shutter) just take it!

Moka: it smells like the rancid vomit on the floor of that bedroom we left Tsukune in. Only this smells like it was also sprayed by a skunk that sat in a pile of rotten eggs and more vomit. (she reluctantly began cleaning it after Yukari looked up from the book she had been given saw the sword and ran. after a stray drop of water, which somehow managed to get passed her rubber gloves, touched her skin she gave the sword to Mizore saying) I can't stand water you have to clean it!

Mizore: why me? You were doing such a good job. (Tsukune entered the room as the Professor prepares his coffee) Oh good, Tsukune is here, now he can do it.

Tsukune: (rubbing his eyes) I can do what now? (gets the sword) W-what am I supposed to do with this?

Moka: clean it. Tsukune please for me.

Tsukune: (happily beginning to oblige) ok... for you.

After Tsukune cleaned the sword, the girls made breakfast and everyone sat down to eat. The Professor took his hat off the rack, after breakfast, held it close to the ground so that his wife could enter after becoming the Kitty cat she can be then he placed the hat back on his head and after his wife pulled his long thick hair back into the hat until his hair was back to only for the side cuts to go down to his shoulders.

They all gathered at the door only for the professor to lock the door before they went through the same portal they arrived in. Moka and Tsukune had a biology class together and they were surprised to find the professor's wife to be their teacher.

As they walked down the halls to their first class of the day, they found themselves following Kitty.

Kitty: (opening the door to the class for the second day of school this year) I knew I knew you from somewhere. (Entering the room) but I have so many students that one cannot expect me to remember all of them. Today I'm teaching sex education it's going to be a real treat!

Tsukune: (sarcastically) can't wait!

Moka: this will give me an opportunity to see how humans reproduce.

Kitty: hmm. Not really.

Tsukune: (concerned) what?

Kitty: every year when it's time to teach sex education. I grab my husband by the dick and drag him into the classroom. Then we-

Tsukune: (in one breath) nonononononono! (then speaking normally again) How about you not teach that lesson today?

Kitty: but it's always so funny! The look on his face when he passes out from lack of oxygen. (Sigh) but if you don't want that.

Moka: by the way, I've been meaning to ask you, do all the vampires in your universe have wings?

Kitty: no, all extremely righteous Christians willing to do anything to protect their religion get wings, but I'll make sure to show you something he got after becoming a vampire if you let me teach sex education today.

Tsukune: o... k...

Later during class

Just as she had said she dragged in the priest who was currently being strangled by his own penis as she dragged him in.

After class

Tsukune: what the f*** was that! Wait why is f*** censored. (Gasp) there it is again.

Professor C: You f***ing idiot! don't you know you can't say such words in church?

Moka: that's not what he meant. He meant how can it be censored.

Professor C: I don't know what you're talking about (takes off his hat and let's his wife out only to have her lying on his shoulders like a fur scarf) anytime someone tries to speak around me in such a fashion, all I hear is the beep of censorship.

Tsukune: ...

Professor C: I've noticed that you spend a lot of time with those girls, and when I see you in the corner of my eye whilst teaching Calculus you're all touching and hugging and sh*t, are what you're all dating or something.?

Tsukune: how did you get two different doctoral degrees?

Professor C: I'm a doctor in every area except for medicine.

Tsukune: that's retarded.

Professor C: don't say retarded.

Tsukune: (sarcastically) sorry "mentally challenged" then.

Professor C: you live for over three hundred years and not want to make that Joke.

Tsukune: but that Joke isn't funny! Why bother?

Professor C: I was just really bored okay!

One really long over exaggerated gasp later

Professor C: wait... WAIT... what were we talking about when we started this conversation?

Tsukune: oh right. I was yelling at you because you let your wife strangle you with your reproductive organs.

Kitty: when I told you I'd show you something all vampires had, and you haven't seen it yet, and I was teaching sexual education, you'd know I meant his oversized penis. Because where we come from vampires are well endowed.

Tsukune: you should have said that from the beginning. I thought you meant some kind of tattoo or mark or tail or something... that was the last thing on my mind.

Kitty: what's the matter? Jealous?

Tsukune: no.

Kitty: you are! Aren't you!

Moka: well it's getting late better go to bed.

Professor C: it's three in the afternoon we just left school.

Yukari: yet it's already dark out.

Professor C: (looks down at his watch) my mistake it's actually 12am.

Tsukune: how long have we been arguing?

Moka: (yawn) since we left the school. You guys won't stop but it's time to sleep. (yawn)

Professor C: maybe I need more water to fall asleep…

The professor walked over to the sink and filled a glass bottle with clean clear water walked back to the group and filled his glass with wine and followed his wife downstairs to the coffin they sleep in

Professor C: water make professor sleepy.

Kitty: been a long day poor me a glass too.

Professor C: turning water to wine make me sleepy too.

As Kitty drank the wine in her tiny cat body she got drunk fast and fell asleep faster the professor held his wife in his left hand and yawned as he shut the lid with his other hand.


	3. Wednesday a dream

Wednesday a dream

Tsukune found himself in a valley betwixt two hills,that were completely natural, untouched by man when he realises he couldn't breathe the hills began to squeeze his head yet not crushing it as he ripped his head from the two hills he woke up and accidentally kicked Yukari off the bed and rather than just ignore the little girl hitting the tile floor he pushed Mizore and Kurumu onto the part of the floor where the oversized blanket lies and goes to check on her making sure not to wake Moka

Tsukune: Yukari are you okay

Yukari: (rubbing her head) What happened?

Tsukune: I think that Kurumu was suffocating me in her sleep

Yukari: then what?

Tsukune: I might have accidentally kicked you off the bed… sorry

Yukari: (suddenly cheerful) it's okay you can do whatever you want to me and i'll still love you

Tsukune: thank you that's appreciated

Kurumu: (half awake) wha? wha's go'n' on? why is i on floor

Yukari: you made Tsukune worry about me!

Kurumu: Wha' happn'd?

Yukari: you were suffocating him with those giant silicon things you call breasts

Kurumu: MY BREASTS ARE NOT FAKE!

Mizore: (half awake) who fake chest?

Kurumu: I said NOT fake!

Kitty: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Tsukune: what? what is it?

Kitty: I can't find my husband.(tear)

(long pause)

Tsukune: does that mean there's no beep when i say fuck (gets struck by lightning)

meanwhile at some random hospital in the middle east

The professor wakes to find himself in a white room with one large window, big enough to fit through. he stood and opened the window backed up a few paces and began to run. suddenly the door flew open and the doctor ran in with the x-rays.

Doc: WE CAN'T FIND YOUR HEART! WE CAN'T FIND YOUR…

Professor C: (turning to look and falling out the window) aw sh*t I forgot what I was doing.(gets impaled by fountain) it's ok it didn't hit my heart!

Doc:(out of breath) how...huh…are you still...huh...huh…alive?

Professor C: I survive things like this all the time

Doc: no imean the fountain is spewing blood

Professor C: just wait.

Doc: …(eyes widening in horror)

Professor C: (standing tall after his blood dissolved the fountain) isn't it awesome my blood is corrosive

Doc: HOW?

Professor C: I am what my people call a "chilero"

Doc: what?

Professor C: i enjoy burning my mouth with chiles especially ghost chilies

Doc: how many do you eat a day

Professor C: last year i went through twenty years of the earth's supply of spicy foods so… I don't know… say twenty billion.

Doc: HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?

Professor: (watching his eyes turn brown using his shades as a mirror) oh cool

Doc: what?

Professor C: the cure worked!

Doc: cure?

Professor C: back home the scientists i forced to work for me with their survival as payment gave me a cure for vampirism but when i took it it turned me into dust and i came here after they put my coffin at the bottom of the ocean.

Doc: didn't you say-

Professor C: I'm done explaining things to you by.

_ back at church

Kurumu: (trying to calm Kitty down) is their any way to get him back

Kitty: There is one way but it pisses him off

Kurumu: well get him here soon he's the only one who knows the language and where the hospital is

Kitty: okay i'll get him

she began to walk over to the coffin motioned for everyone to cover their ears and turn around so they did and she knocked the tune of the song "La cucaracha" almost immediately after a low rumbling was heard and the faint sound of singing began to rise yet only the last two verses were audible and were heard just as a red circle on the floor began to encompass the coffin

Professor C: it will be lots of fun (the bloody ring on the floor sprouted blood-tentacles which wrapped around the coffin and flowed in through the slightly open lid) Slaughter death and destruction

Kurumu:what. was…

Moka:You have to save him quick where is the nearest hospital?

Professor C: I don't know. But I can help.

he then positioned hands so that his arms are as straight as possible and his right index and middle finger are in front of his forehead while his left index and middle finger are in front of his about two minutes his right sleeve turned white and his left turned red then he shifted his stance so that his right index/middle fingers were pointing at Tsukune's heart and his left index/middle fingers were pointed at Tsukune's forehead and very slowly all the damage Tsukune had suffered from the bolt of lightening was transferred to the Professor. He then looked up at the Professor's charred face

Tsukune: were you?... singing?

Professor C: why do you ask?

Tsukune: I thought I heard the words "slaughter death and destruction"

Professor C: that is the name of the song i was singing.

Tsukune: so you were singing?

Professor C: yeah i made no effort to deny it and deliberately told you I was.

Tsukune: but why would you-

Professor: try to get some sleep you have to wake up in three minuts to get ready for school.

Tsukune: wouldn't it make more sense for us to get ready now?

Professor C: And start the day sober? Why?

Tsukune:it takes you three minutes to get drunk?

Professor C: It takes you longer than one to chug a keg?

Tsukune: I've never tried.

Professor C: Then go to sleep and see if it worked when i very loudly return to wake you all up

he came back in three minutes

Professor C: It didn't work!

so they all walked into the kitchen only to see that breakfast was already served.

they asked him who had been the cause of this and he patted an orange suited man who would have looked identical to him if not for the pocket square being a monarch fold as opposed to a handkerchief folded to look like a tongue.

Professor C: Sorrow made breakfast. I paid him in beer.

Kurumu: Why didn't you just do that yesterday?

Professor C: The logic of a drunk *shrug*

Moka: wait…

Professor C: Yes?

Moka: so you're two thousand years old right?

Professor C: Uh… Yes?

Moka: And you're human now?

Professor C: I… guess?

Moka: But you're still alive?

Professor C: I… uh… yes?

Moka: How does that work?

Professor C: Well… uh… you see the thing about that is…

Yukari: He's immortal

Professor C: Yea. What she said

Moka: But how?

Yukari: The grafic novel he gave me explains that he is a part of something called an immortal familly, in which no member can die until after their true love dies. Fortunately for them finding their true love is as easy as finding their own heart.

Moka: what do you mean by that?

Yukari: he was born heartless and she was born with two.

Moka: Oh… but that doesn't explain why he's two thousand

Professor C: well she is only twenty.

Moka: so it doesnt bother you that you were already an old man when she was still in dipers

Professor C: Of corse it does but what can i do she has my heart and i can't take it back… well…

Yukari: he was born heartless. she was born with two. it's in the book he let me read

Tsukune: what's for breakfast?

Professor C: ...I'll place the sky~ within your eyes…

Kitty: He's dead. Get over it.

Professor C: Doesn't matter it's still a good song

Moka: ...Breakfast?

Professor C: ...I move the stars for no one…

Kitty: stop sinning songs from 1970's expirimental glam rock sensation David Bowie!

Professor: next you'll be telling me not to sing space odity

Yukari: ...food?

Kitty: CAN'T A SINGLE BODY BE GIVEN A CHANCE TO DECOMPOSE BEFORE YOU MAKE IT TURN OVER IN IT'S GRAVE?

Kurumu: Tsukune help mommy and daddy are fighting.

She said suffocating him. The Professor laughed and when he saw that no one else folowed suit he stopped.

Professor C: to answer your question every one got their own personalized breakfast though I thought you could see that.

Mizore got blueberry pancakes and a glass that apeared to be filled with milk. Kitty got sawssage, eggs, and bacon in the shape of a smile with a cup of oj(maybe). The Professor got an Irish cofee and an apple fritter

AN: sorry I'm gonna have to put this story on hiatus until such time as I have actually gone to college I just can't stand to give you a story that's not as good as I can manage.


End file.
